Momma time

Tonight was the first time that I visited little Welton all by myself. He's going to be 10 weeks old (34 corrected) tomorrow, and this was by far the best bonding experience I've had with the little guy. Although this is not something I ever thought I would make public because I know it's hard for others to understand, but I feel like there's been a lack of closeness because he's so restricted. The nurses are the ones who feed him and take care of him, but that's supposed to be MY job! I can't just walk up to his bed and pick him up and snuggle him like I want to. I've been struggling with these feelings since he was born. I think the fact that I was only able to give him milk for the first three weeks makes me feel obselete now. Well, it did. Satan has been pumping my brain full of bull crap--making me feel unnecessary, like I'm a bad mom because I couldn't carry him to term and I can't breast feed him. Well, Satan is a punk. Tonight, for the first time, I really felt how much this little guy needs, and wants his momma. I think because everything happened to fast with his delivery, it's taken quite a while for reality to set in. That reality is, I am the mother of the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on. I feel a love for that little man that I never thought I had the capacity to feel. My heart feels like it's going to explode (in a good way) every time I see him, or think about him, or smell his yucky diapers or wash his tiny little clothes. I'm usually really good with words, but somehow, there are no words to describe how I feel. I was telling myself that this happened to me because I had done something wrong. But it has taken 10 weeks for me to realize that I must have done something right for Heavenly Father to bless me with such a perfect little soul. He is so stong and such a fighter (a good combination of Samoan and Scottish).

Doctors say we have about a month left. I have a lot to do.